As I mentioned in a previous post, I decided close to a year ago that hormonal birth control wasn't working out for me, and I began charting my cycles using FertilityFriend.com to avoid pregnancy. I've always been lucky enough to have pretty predictable cycles, so getting pregnant - or in this case, avoiding pregnancy - should have been easy, right? Weeellll... this particular cycle, my body did something unpredictable. For once in my life, I ovulated right on cycle day 14. I've historically ovulated between days 16 and 18, and sometimes later. So, usually, having sex on day 10 would be in the "safe zone" for us. But, amazingly, this time around it was day 10 sex that got me pregnant!
At 13 days past ovulation, I had a little inkling. My temps were still pretty high and I woke up feeling hot, like our bedroom was a hundred degrees. I wasn't feverish or anything; I was just really warm. I remembered feeling that way when I was pregnant with Colin.
I should add that Justin was at work that day, and I had stayed home with Colin, who was sick and had to be kept out of daycare.
When I went to use the bathroom, I remembered that I had a bunch of cheap pregnancy tests just sitting there in the cabinet, waiting to be peed on. There they were, staring me in the face, so I peed, and I waited. The control line showed up almost immediately. And then, after about a minute, this is what I saw:
Even though I had a feeling I might be pregnant, seeing an actual positive pregnancy test hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm pretty sure I said, "what are we going to do?" out loud. My heart was racing. I was scared, excited, worried, happy, anxious... all at once. Completely overwhelmed. I told Colin that he was going to be a big brother, and he stared at me like, "okay, so? Big deal."
Still shaking, I called Justin at work.
Him: "Hey."
Me: "Hey... I have to tell you something."
Him: "Okay."
Me: "[Pause] Umm..... I think I'm pregnant."
I didn't think. I knew. Maybe I was trying to soften the blow, I don't know. He asked if I had taken a test, and I said I had. We sat there in silence for a minute, both of us processing what I had just said out loud. I had no idea what else to say, and he was working, so it was a pretty short conversation. We told each other we loved each other and agreed to talk more about it later.
My heart continued to race as I thought through what this meant. Our budget has been tight. How in the world will we afford to add another member to our family? How will we afford daycare? Will I have another c-section? Will I be able to breastfeed this time? How long can we afford for me to take off for maternity leave? How is Colin going to feel about all this? What will it be like to be pregnant with a toddler at home?
After calling my mom, who was also at work, and talking with her about it, I felt reassured. She told me that I'm a great mom, and that we'll figure everything out. She reminded me that God is in control, and that everything would be just fine. Even though I wasn't 100% convinced in that moment, I have relaxed a lot since that day, and have been praying like crazy for our little peanut, and for the security and well-being of our little family. That has really calmed me. As the time goes by, I am falling in love with this sweet little one more and more, and I am getting excited to be a momma to 2 under 2. Seeing him/her on ultrasound yesterday made this real to me. Watching our little gummy bear kick and stretch, and seeing his/her heart flicker reminded me that there is a real live person growing inside me, and that little person is a blessing. It really is going to be okay. In fact, it's going to be more than okay. I am pregnant, I love my baby, and I am happy.
More to come!
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